I'd Fuck Shit Up If...

If i dropped everything i was currently doing--all the projects, music, school/career thoughts-- and had to start something new, i would move to a foreign country, live a monastic lifestyle, and learn a martial art. Either Jiu Jitsu in Brazil, or Kung Fu in Tibet.

The Uncertain

I hate when people ask if something is wrong; bc than They are aware that, not only Are things infact wrong, but you are obviously not doing a very good job of concealing it… Than you try to play it off and make a joke out of the whole situation, buut it makes the whole situation even worse because, not only did you just lie to someone who actually gave a **** about you as a friend, but you dont ever get to the bottom of how you truly feel.

But yeah. I feel like shit... and its not just because im tired. I've been in such an emotional rut. i'm feeling  anxious a lot. Idk what it is. at first i thought it was just being at work, but its not. i feel completely unable to clear my mind and have a free uninterrupted thought. It's terrible, and frustrating, and paralyzing, and stressful all the same time. i cant talk to anyone. aint no one got time.

these are the moments when i just want to be alone. i honestly want to just mind my business. im not trying to talk to anyone. i try my damnedest not to make any unnecessary eye contact. i pray that no one notices. i honestly want to get through the day. this is that type of day

its 5 am.

i really wish i felt the way i did when i wrote some of these older posts. i read them, and i don't know if im capable of writing like that anymore.

something is wrong.

Work Work.

So school starts up again soon. Also, a new year is upon us. So, I'm really happy to restart everything fresh. I've been burned out as of late, and the break couldn't have come at a better time. Granted, i am still trying my best to be as productive as possible. But it is nice to work on the projects that I want to work on, rather than some obscure writing project that a professor assigned to me. It's also nice to work on the more creative ones too.

I've been thinking about resolutions and how significant they can be. Think about it, you can actually make a fundamental life change if you totally committed yourself to achieving that goal.... 365 days is a lot of time to get something done. 

For example, if I wanted a six pack–which I actually wouldn't mind– and I actually committed myself to it, and achieved it, my life would be significantly different. I don't know if the change is for the better, but I would be focused on dieting and fitness. I'd have better health. My sex life would change radically (I'd be f***ing supermodels probably). I just think that's so crazy... that accomplishing a major goal can change your life, you just can't be scared to dream big and be bold 

So here's to the new year and to me: 

1. performing at Sun God
2. having a 604 video make it on the YouTube's most viewed list
3. getting that six pack
4. graduating
5. doing stand-up comedy
6. blogging more
7. landing that fellowship
8. getting published
9. high-fiving Barack Obama
10. dunking a basketball
11. kissing Starbucks girl

A Meditation on the 2011-2012 School Year

SERIOUS NOTE TO SELF: take care of your health. Quit caffeine (it makes you more prone to panic attacks). Eat healthier (less meat=good for the heart). Do cardio, as it may help to get rid of your adult asthma. Here's a thought: sleep a decent hour.  On a more inspirational note... Start giving things your all... Go to all your classes. Remember the circumstances that got you where you are in the first place. Think about your family and what they are doing for you. And think about yourself. Live to be the best you. Be thankful. Keep faith. Have a good attitude. Ppl sense when there is something wrong, so be honest. Try to keep in touch with people better. Reply to texts. And please please please stop quitting stuff when things get hard. Do not give up so easily. Know that opportunities are just around the corner if you keep at it. Be consistent.  You've been good at meeting new people and building on relationships. Keep it up. School is going well. Stay interested. This is a BIG one, write more. Blog or journal. You think better when you write. Also, you've been improving musically. Be confident. Know that you are good at a lot of things.  You know you ought to read more. Also go your professors office hours.  Heres another BIG one, stop spending too much money. Save it instead. Also, it would be nice to make some headway on a job or an internship. Seriously look in to GRE prep classes. Stop procrastinating. In fact, put more shit on your plate. It'll get you going. Stick to a schedule.  Always clean up your own mess, no matter the situation. Take imitative. Think independently of others. Be reliant on yourself. Call mom, every other day. Don't get on Facebook as often. Make more music. Go to the beach. Perfect the handshake. Try not to be so awkward. Stop machine drying clothes that you know damn well will shrink. Drink less. Dance more. Be that person who add people on Facebook. Avoid starting  text message conversations with some variation "how are you" or "how's your day". Stay principled. Go to more open mics. Take more pictures. Compliment more people. Grow your hair out. Make more movies. Swear less.

Lauryn Hill

Love love love

On Happiness (work in progress)

@3:15

@1:45

The Blackout